The One Who Knows
I didn’t go into Lent with high spiritual ideals. It was a mindfulness exercise. But, perhaps unrelated, I’m more in touch with some mysterious thread, or, more appropriately, a thread of mystery. Was it uncovered because I’m more rested from consuming less caffeine and getting more sleep? Perhaps. It may be a combination of that and being hit by the hardest virus I’ve contracted in many years. Fever is harder on me than I remember it being in my youth. Being brought to my knees seems a particularly Lenten activity. The part of me that knows there are no accidents tunes into this.
I’m simplifying somewhat. This thread has actually been growing and strengthening for many years. It’s the core of my work. The core of my life. But, there’s a confidence in what is known that has reached a new threshold.
What is known is:
A wild woman herbalist in me who likes to sniff and boil and steep and sip.
A shaman dropping into liminal space and moving toxins out of this body system. I’ve seen Lyme literally dropping out of my body. A spirit teacher ripping a length of DNA that had developed from ancestral trauma and habit, and knit my building blocks back together without them.
A free spirited woman who likes to drink vodka and swear and flirt.
There’s a mother in here who would fight to the death for her children. Who doesn’t accept the status quo of what’s available on the market being good enough for their bodies, who isn’t afraid to buck the system and opt out of the prevailing norms for their health. She holds them when they cry and senses deep into their bodies for answers, and sometimes for more questions.
There’s a lover just waiting for full expression. She feels close, so close.
There’s a magical dragon who transmutes energy into sustenance, who isn’t afraid of ANYTHING.
A hawk that sees the lay of the land, from horizon to horizon.
A wounded child praying for it all to end.
There’s an artist who lives in these eyes, who sinks into beauty like an orgasm, the whole world alight.
A screaming harridan who will not stand down to please ANYONE.
And, there’s a healer, who knows that you are whole. YOU are whole, completely whole, you’ve just forgotten. Your soul signature is vital and alive, just waiting for realization. Illness can’t hide it, low self-esteem can’t destroy it. It’s waiting for you, love. Just waiting for you to put down your heavy load of denial and self-abnegation so it can be free, free, free.
No, this isn’t new, this multifaceted experience of humanity. But, it is getting stronger and clearer all the time. I think what’s new(ish) is the willingness to claim it publicly. Out in the open, warts and all. Yes, there are still warts on it! That’s the nature of being multi-faceted – some of the facets will be cracked and distorted. This jewel is ancient, and shiny new at the same time.
And you, dear one, are reflected in every facet. You have as many faces. Are you in touch with them? Do you know them as the warp and woof of what you call “me”? The shimmering, constantly changing face of your self wants to be known in all its variety.
What are you waiting for?
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April 14th, 2014 at 1:47 am
What has come creeping out of the shadows as I too begin stepping in front of the fractured mirror, contemplating my broken radiant self, is my fear.
*Fear of a fully expressed future, and fear of failing to find it and embrace it in a wholeness I never knew.
*Fear of expanding into such a huge and overwhelming presence (we are beginning to witness that Self, aren’t we?!) that I will leave everything behind.
*Fear that I cannot receive the kind of love now being offered to me.
I can finally see the shards of me, the splintered shafts of light pouring from my cells, my pores, my soul. It has begun.
And my dear teacher, my guide, my touchstone. As I witness you explore the further reaches of soulful healing, as you increase your grasp on what to do, how to do it, when to do it, I begin to find I actually have the confidence and courage to press on into the darker woods where I must embrace the spiders, the cobwebs, the fearful inner wounds that are beginning to teach me why I hid, terrified, inside that horrifying cement coffin for so very long.
You have held my hand, walking me through the mystifying maze of bodymindspirit health, gathered up the scattered pieces where they lay, helped me find the pictures, the patterns, and the inner power of ancestral wisdom.
Yes. I see myself. At last. Even though a bit intimidated at the vision I am receiving-I have far more courage to follow this unmarked path, knowing you are just ahead, waiting for me with a warm and nourishing brew.
When I arrive at the next bend of the river, our stopping place, we will rest again. We will listen. We will look carefully at the signs, the symbols, the memories, the scratchings in the Earth, and continue…
Yes. I. SEE. YOU. Yes.
April 14th, 2014 at 4:43 am
Step by step. Good thing we don’t have to do this all at once!
We hide for good reasons, and when we find the courage, we come out.
Step by step. <3
April 14th, 2014 at 6:51 am
I won’t ever be as honest about my origins & constellations as you are. It’s not in my nature.
But you know me. Probably better than any living soul walking this planet.
I admire how you share your journey, & in that, are compelled to hold space for others to manifest & surface.
You’re beautiful.
April 14th, 2014 at 6:59 am
Your expression of your recent journey is breath taking, raw, complex, and rich in texture.
As a child, I KNEW who I was and my childhood vocabulary said I AM Special, why am I being treated so horribly.
Being vast in a little body was to much for my parents and other adults to handle, so they squashed my vastness as much as I would allow them. I was a force to be reckoned with for sure.
Over the years, I started to forget who I was and allowed the mirrors to reflect who I should be to keep the peace.
Imagine if you will, a mirror in front, back and on each side of yourself and raise your right arm. What do the mirrors tell you?
Well one, you are reflecting yourself countless times. And second, they are all telling you that you are lifting your left arm, so you are wrong in thinking you are lifting your right arm.
I know who I AM, and am still integrating the forgotten pieces. I look forward to the soon arriving day that my vastness will shatter the mirrors of illusion and become immortal.
I am grateful for this opportunity to reflect upon your experiences to sense those mirrors that are keeping me separated from the infinate.
With Praise, Love & Gratitude,
Leah
May we all rejoice in your vast glory♥
April 14th, 2014 at 4:15 pm
It’s not so important that who we are be shared with others, but it is important that it be KNOWN by ourselves. When we don’t truly know and accept ourselves, we suffer. We project that “I’m not okay” feeling onto the world around us, and, as you so beautifully illustrate, Leah, the reflection we see is distorted.
But, sinking into our experience exactly as it is, without looking outside for validation, the door through suffering mysteriously opens. It is ALL us.