Sensitive
“I can’t get things done that I really need to do, I always get distracted.”
“I seem to have two speeds, go go go, and crash and burn, complete stop.”
“I don’t really understand how to relate to people I don’t know well. I go to parties and, unless I have a task I set myself, like helping in the kitchen, I just feel awkward/anxious/overwhelmed.”
Those examples may all feel very different. All of them could lead one to believe that there’s something that needs to be fixed. While these might not be issues that lead clients to want to work with me, my ears perk up when I hear them in folks’ stories.
They’ve actually all been true for me. I remember having to talk myself through parties in my teens and 20s (and 30s), “It’s okay if you just sit quietly, you don’t have to talk to people if you don’t feel like you have something to say.”
Hi, it’s me. Sensitive.
Throughout my life I’ve occasionally had what I refer to as “meltdowns”. Sometimes it’s a bout of crying uncontrollably, with no clear reason why. Sometimes it’s just the need to take myself to bed early (or in the middle of the day), with the question hanging, am I sick? Well, no… but I can’t function. That’s the two speeds, gogogo and stop. An expression coined by my mother, so that gives you an idea of how far back those tendencies go for me.
It’s easier for me to find a flow state with a general idea of what needs to be done for any given task, and the flow state carries me to the result that’s desired. It seems magical, but it doesn’t seem to happen for me the way it does for other people, people whose minds seem more… organized somehow.
Many of these things brought me to attempt to change myself in some way. There was something wrong with me, why didn’t I feel the way other people felt?
If you relate in any way, here’s a gift for you.
It’s not you. The world around you is not built for you. The world is built for people who are different than you. Not better, just different.
I began to read about neurodivergence awhile back. Most of you have probably heard about this in relationship to autism, with some vague idea that it’s a tragic disorder that deserves a lot of sympathy.
It turns out neurodivergence is a lot more nuanced than non-verbal autism. Neurodivergence is a term used to describe Highly Sensitive Persons, ADHD, SPS, and Autism. It is considered by many to include people with certain kinds of diagnoses like Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and Schizoaffective disorders.
While I don’t want to minimize the suffering that comes with many of these labels, I do want to point out that many of them would be accompanied by a much lower level of suffering if they were understood as literal brain differences (neuro – brain, divergence – difference), and addressed early as that, a difference. One of the threads through a lot of these divergences is sensitivity. Overstimulation. Too much input from a world that moves fast, most of the time. The brain literally processes the world differently from what is considered “normal”. There’s research to support this! (And, to be clear, I neither diagnose, nor treat any of these conditions. I address suffering.)
Once I began to understand that my meltdowns and illnesses might be coming from overstimulation, I could work to manage how much input my nervous system had to handle. I take regular breaks. I arrange at least one day a week where I have no plans, and if I want to spend the day in bed, reading or dozing, I do. I move more slowly. I no longer schedule multiple social engagements or even errands in one day.
I learned to say no. It’s been a huge relief. Helping clients do the same has been rewarding.
Often, the wounding that we experienced in childhood came from a lack of understanding from caregivers that we were sensitive in various ways, and that needed some accommodation. We were pushed to move quickly, to do all the things. Some of us were mocked for being “too sensitive”. One of my childhood nicknames was “cry-baby”. That wounding needs tending from these childhood pressures, but the person doesn’t need to change.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There never was. And, the truth is, there are huge gifts in many of these differences. The world needs more sensitivity! More empathy. Those traits need support. We deserve support.
More resources on sensitivity:
Sensitive: The Untold Story
15 Minute Matrix Podcast — Mapping Sensitivity
Book: Divergent Mind
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